University Library

11:02 AM

“I went inside the library today, again for the nth time since I started the school year almost a month ago now. The odd coldness only most of my half body can feel , waist down, had greeted me so coldly today as, once again, I become a refugee from loneliness inside this place. It is the rainy season and the library, normally just enough cold as it is, made my legs colder sending goosebumps all over more than usual. My body hair awkwardly stands as I continue to get deep inside the place and I find myself desperately finding a warm spot. How odder was it when I proceeded to choose a seat and I saw the guy across me fanning himself like he had, all along, absorbed the heat in the world; that is why, I thought, making the library unusually cold.

Though I picked an almost empty table,  I still felt uncomfortable because usually I would sit on the row on the other side, unfortunately, it was fully occupied sending me here. It made me think that the weather and even the tables here in the library had shared and felt my feelings of sorrow. I am frustrated and sad, mad even. I felt bad about myself that it makes me so furious how my ink and pen decides not to feel good too. It made my writings sloppier and uglier than ever! Plus, it adds up to my ever growing insecurities these days, “Why can’t I even simply write in a more comprehensible hand writing?”. Damn it. I swear, I can tear up the paper I am writing right now. How I feel so insecure, inferior and lonely. How my good, old friends and my family does not even bother a bit about me having no one but myself to spend the day. In the school and the streets all alone. I am completely lost. And though I love the solitude it gives me, the time to think and reflect, the emptiness and longing of companion darkens my heart so much. I have been weed out as I was weeding out. I do not belong and it Drive me crazy thinking what could be wrong. I realized, really no man is an island, and a lion weakens too (but sometimes no one but you can notice). I cannot even remember where to start a conversation right! And everytime somebody talks to me, I find myself staring at their faces longer and intensely, trying to grasp that finally someone wants to talk to me! The feeling is strange and mysterious. Like you were once buried on a deep pit and just today someone realizes you were gone, finds you, and finally dig you up. But it was not some sort of permanent salvation after all, later they’d realize they don’t want you and they have nothing to do with your summoning anymore. And once again, I settle on vain wishes and imaginations. I settled on the corner though I hate feeling too inferior and robbed of joy a true friend can bring. I thought, maybe, in all these days I had felt misery, in all these times I was alone without someone to run to in arms length, unfortunately, I say I had felt loneliness. I think in all these times I was alone fighting loneliness, dejection and  oddness far away from home, far from the comfort of your people, this is how the heavens wants to open my eyes, to Drive me, deciding to strip me down to the instinct of only one thing and that, my friend, is survival in a world of familiar but far and unknown people.”

11:30 AM

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